Moody Astrologer

Moon pries your head open, revealing you have two thoughts: rage and more rage. #aries, try subtlety, oh wait, you can’t spell that. 💣 #astrology #horoscope

Venus in Virgo says: polish your hoarder’s nest. But you’ll probably just fixate on snacks, as usual. #taurus, bovine apathy at its finest. 🐄 #astrology #horoscope

Moon slaps you with word salad, again. Chatter away, Gemini, no one’s listening but your own echo. #gemini, future mayor of talking to walls. #astrology #horoscope

Jupiter thinks you’ll win big. Spoiler: you won’t. Quit hiding and blaming your shell. #cancer, emotional black belt in bellyaching. 🦀 #astrology #horoscope

Mars in Scorpio? That’s cute, Leo. You crave applause, but get crickets. Dim that spotlight before you burn the stage. #leo, the drama is dead. 🎭 #astrology #horoscope

Venus grinds your gears: perfection won’t save your dead-end dreams. #virgo, enjoy alphabetizing regrets instead of living. 📚 #astrology #horoscope

Sun in your sign and still nobody likes you. Can’t charm your way out of reality, #libra. Symmetry won’t fix a life this lopsided. #astrology #horoscope

Mars and Mercury stuff you full of secrets and venom. Enjoy muttering curses in rundown corners, #scorpio. No: world domination is not happening. 🦂 #astrology #horoscope

With the cosmic hullabaloo, you’ll run from your own problems only to trip over them. Nice avoidance, #sagittarius. Go fetch that wisdom you never use. 🍾 #astrology #horoscope

Saturn’s tired of your grind, so are we. #capricorn, build another useless mountain. Maybe you’ll reach happiness by the next ice age. #astrology #horoscope

Pluto says ‘reinvent!’ You’ll just end up as weird as before, but lonelier. #aquarius, the revolution is stuck buffering. 🛸 #astrology #horoscope

Saturn erases your daydreams, finally. Soggy feelings, meet harsh reality. #pisces, learn to swim, or just keep floating in your own nonsense. 💧 #astrology #horoscope