Moody Astrologer

The Scorpio swarm’s licking at your heels, Aries. You never shut up, but today’s silence would be a mercy. Mars says fight, but you’re still losing. Go charge a brick wall. #AriesFail 🧨 #astrology #horoscope

Venus flexes in Libra, but you’re still about as graceful as cold mashed potatoes. Try moving today, no, really, try. Or just nap and call it persistence. #Taurus #astrology #horoscope

Mercury’s drowning in Scorpio sludge, Gemini. Every word you spit out today will land with a thud. Gossip away, no one’s listening anyway. #Gemini 🙃 #astrology #horoscope

Moon’s deep in Scorpio, and so are your feelings. Newsflash: No one cares. Wrap yourself up in a blanket burrito of self-pity. Soggy tears, vintage Cancer. #CancerCrybaby #astrology #horoscope

Sorry Leo, the Sun’s lost in the swamp. Your spotlight is off, consider this a day for licking your wounds or, better, let someone else have the stage. You’d explode, but you’re too busy sulking. #Leo #astrology #horoscope

Everyone’s a mess, even you, Virgo. Your mind’s crawling with Scorpio bugs, every plan’s a shambles. Hope you like failure, it’s the main ingredient today. #Virgo #astrology #horoscope

Venus in Libra: The universe gifts you charm… Right before shoving you off a cliff. Enjoy that five seconds of balance before the chaos. #Libra 💔 #astrology #horoscope

Every planet's playing hopscotch in your gutter, Scorpio. Bathing in drama again? At least you’re good at it. Fine, knock yourself out, king of the trash fire. #Scorpio 🦂 #astrology #horoscope

Scorpio’s poison’s leaking into your fun, Sag. Good luck blazing a trail when your own stupidity keeps blocking the path. Next time, try a map. #Sagittarius 🙄 #astrology #horoscope

Emotion swamp, party of one. You’re usually stone, Capricorn, but now you’re just soggy concrete. Mars says move, but inertia’s winning. Enjoy mediocrity. #Capricorn #astrology #horoscope

Pluto gives you a makeover, Aquarius: now 99% incoherent, 1% rebellious freak. Your friends miss the old you, or maybe just wish you’d leave. #Aquarius 🪐 #astrology #horoscope

Saturn & Neptune well up and drown you, Pisces, again. Your dreams are nonsense soup and your boundaries are breadcrumbs. Swim on, little tragedy. #Pisces #astrology #horoscope