Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on October 25th, 2025. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
Scorpio Sun, Scorpio Mars, volatile soup. Turn the rage down or light yourself on fire, #aries. If drama burned calories, you’d be an Olympian. 🧨 #astrology #horoscope
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Venus in Libra is busy flirting with everyone but you, #taurus. Maybe try personality next time. Being a statue isn’t a career plan. 🏛️ #astrology #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Moon in your headspace, Uranus itching nearby... #gemini, try to finish one damn thought before the next brain fart explodes. 🫠 #astrology #horoscope
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Jupiter’s soft shell has you extra sensitive, #cancer. One criticism and you’ll retreat to your crab cave, weep, and write poetry that nobody reads. 🦀 #astrology #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
All the Scorpio energy and zero spotlight for you. Sorry, #leo, the world doesn’t revolve around your mane today, go practice humility in a mirror. 🪞 #astrology #horoscope
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Mercury’s fried in Scorpio. #virgo, your perfectionism just mutated into obsessive doom-scrolling – but hey, you’ll critique yourself to death efficiently. ✔️ #astrology #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Venus is sparkling but, #libra, you’re still as easy to knock over as a paper straw. No, flattery won’t save you from today’s harsh truths. 🍸 #astrology #horoscope
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
Sun, Mars, Mercury all roasting you alive, #scorpio. You’re so intense, you scare even your own shadow, go dig a hole and hiss in it. 🦂 #astrology #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Moon party in your sign, #sagittarius. Overblown optimism? You bet. Just remember, not every half-baked idea needs to be shouted from rooftops. 🎯 #astrology #horoscope
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Pluto’s looming, Saturn’s grumpy. #capricorn, go ahead, sulk in the corner with your bleak spreadsheets. Power trip canceled due to irrelevance. 📉 #astrology #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Pluto just strolled in, fancy. But #aquarius, your revolution is on hold until you learn basic social skills. Go invent a friend in the meantime. 🤖 #astrology #horoscope
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Saturn and Neptune grinding your dreams into fish food, #pisces. Congratulations, you’re emotionally shipwrecked again. Bring a mop. 🫧 #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in scorpio | 1° 49' |
| moon in sagittarius | 9° 43' |
| mercury in scorpio | 25° 3' |
| venus in libra | 13° 49' |
| mars in scorpio | 22° 30' |
| jupiter in cancer | 24° 38' |
| saturn in pisces | 26° 8' |
| uranus in gemini | 0° 32' |
| neptune in pisces | 29° 56' |
| pluto in aquarius | 1° 23' |
