Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on October 26th, 2025. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
Hope you enjoy fumbling through chaos, Aries. Mars in Scorpio says try not to set yourself on fire with your own ego. #Aries 🪓 #astrology #horoscope
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Venus in Libra wants you to feel pretty, Taurus. Too bad the mirror disagrees. Maybe stay home with snacks? #Taurus 🍩 #astrology #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Mercury’s all secretive in Scorpio, Gemini. Cute try, but your gossip is as transparent as glass, cracked, of course. #Gemini 🗣️ #astrology #horoscope
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Moon in Sagittarius gives you big dreams, Cancer. Shame reality’s handing you nothing but soggy receipts and eye-rolls. #Cancer 🦀 #astrology #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
Scorpio planets snuff your sparkle today, Leo. Don’t worry, the shadows look great on your fragile ego. #Leo 🔥 #astrology #horoscope
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Venus tries to polish the turd, Virgo, but all the cleaning in the world won’t fix your internal mess. Mops down. #Virgo 🧽 #astrology #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Venus in your sign, Libra, but Mars in Scorpio already RSVPd chaos. Good luck juggling delusion with disaster. #Libra ⚖️ #astrology #horoscope
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
Sun, Mercury, Mars stacking in Scorpio, congrats, Scorpio, you’re clinically unstable and loving it. Therapy’s over there. #Scorpio 🦂 #astrology #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Sagittarius, Moon’s in your sign, so feelings run wild. Party alone, no one needs your emotional rampage today. #Sagittarius 🏹 #astrology #horoscope
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Jupiter in Cancer opposes you, Capricorn. Turns out, hustle isn’t a personality. But hey, keep climbing pointless hills. #Capricorn 🐐 #astrology #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Pluto creeps into Aquarius, you wanted revolution, you get midlife crisis instead. Welcome to irrelevance! #Aquarius 🤖 #astrology #horoscope
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Saturn and Neptune in Pisces: you’re floating down the river of denial, no paddle, no clue, just tears. #Pisces 🐟 #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in scorpio | 2° 49' |
| moon in sagittarius | 21° 35' |
| mercury in scorpio | 26° 13' |
| venus in libra | 15° 4' |
| mars in scorpio | 23° 12' |
| jupiter in cancer | 24° 41' |
| saturn in pisces | 26° 5' |
| uranus in gemini | 0° 29' |
| neptune in pisces | 29° 55' |
| pluto in aquarius | 1° 24' |
