Moody Astrologer

Congrats, Aries. You’re more impulsive than a caffeine-addicted squirrel. Don’t blame Mars in Scorpio for your bad decisions, blame your inability to think. #Aries 🦂 #astrology #horoscope

Taurus, Venus is in Libra but you still reek of desperation and cologne. Romance is as likely for you as a pig’s chance at ballet. Stay home. #Taurus 🐮 #astrology #horoscope

Gemini, Mercury’s in Scorpio so your mouth’s as poisonous as ever, but your thoughts are even emptier. Enjoy arguing with yourself, nobody else cares. #Gemini 🗣️ #astrology #horoscope

Cancer, Jupiter wants to bless you, but you’d just sob about it anyway. Go ahead, cry in the tub. That’s your great cosmic achievement today. #Cancer 🦀 #astrology #horoscope

Leo, Venus in Libra tempts you to flirt, but your charm’s expired. You’re a legend, in your own bathroom mirror. Don’t quit your daydream. #Leo 🦁 #astrology #horoscope

Virgo, Moon in Capricorn says get your act together but you’ll just organize the mess before never fixing it. Excellence minus fun: your tragic brand. #Virgo 📋 #astrology #horoscope

Libra, Venus in Libra can’t save you from indecision hell. Hope you like weighing your options alone, because nobody’s dumb enough to wait. #Libra ⚖️ #astrology #horoscope

Scorpio, Sun, Mercury, and Mars all park in your sign, you’re a black hole of drama. Pull everyone in and spit them out weeping. Typical. #Scorpio 🕳️ #astrology #horoscope

Sagittarius, energy’s low and so is your attention span. If only daydreaming about vacations paid the bills, you’d be king. But nope. #Sagittarius 🏹 #astrology #horoscope

Capricorn, Moon’s in your sign, enjoy the dazzling emptiness inside you. You’re one Excel sheet away from replacing your heart with a calculator. #Capricorn 🦴 #astrology #horoscope

Aquarius, Pluto’s barely in your sign and already your ego needs a leash. Newsflash: Alienating people isn’t a personality. #Aquarius 🛰️ #astrology #horoscope

Pisces, Saturn and Neptune in your puddle means you’ll have existential dread with a side of delusion. Even your imaginary friends want out. #Pisces 🐟 #astrology #horoscope