Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on October 28th, 2025. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
Moon's in Capricorn, your big bold plans meet a wall. Ram harder, head emptier! Go ahead, charge. The universe snacks on bruised egos like yours. #Aries 🐏 #astrology #horoscope
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Venus thinks she's charming in Libra, but you? More like lukewarm leftovers, Taurus. Don't bother asking for affection, cows get milked, not hugged. #Taurus 🐂 #astrology #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Mercury's in Scorpio, so your gossip will sting you back. Try speaking once without contradicting yourself, Gemini. I dare you. #Gemini 🦋 #astrology #horoscope
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Moon's cold in Capricorn, Jupiter's smothering you in Cancer. Congratulations: your feelings are a disaster zone. Stay home, pout, repeat. #Cancer 🦀 #astrology #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
Venus flirts in Libra, but you? Outshined and ignored, Leo. No applause today, just awkward silence where the spotlight should be. #Leo 🦁 #astrology #horoscope
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Mercury's drowning in Scorpio's swamp, Virgo. All your perfectionist plans? Rotting. Go alphabetize your regrets instead. #Virgo 📚 #astrology #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Venus is in your sign, but she's bored. Your charm is a wet napkin, no one’s buying it. Mediate alone, Libra. No one's listening. #Libra ⚖️ #astrology #horoscope
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
Sun, Mercury, and Mars in your den: you’re extra venomous, Scorpio. Bite someone, at least then you'll matter. #Scorpio 🦂 #astrology #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Everything’s broody water or bland air, no fire for you, Sagittarius. Your wild dreams just got doused. Buy an umbrella. #Sagittarius 🏹 #astrology #horoscope
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Moon's squatting in your gloomy house, Capricorn. Great, another day of joyless grind. Even rocks have more charisma. #Capricorn 🪨 #astrology #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Pluto’s whispering in your ear, Aquarius. That urge to ‘change the world’? It’s indigestion. Sit down before you hurt yourself. #Aquarius 🚀 #astrology #horoscope
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Neptune and Saturn dancing in your bathwater, Pisces. No one cares about your feelings, least of all you. Go daydream into a puddle. #Pisces 🐟 #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in scorpio | 4° 49' |
| moon in capricorn | 15° 39' |
| mercury in scorpio | 28° 28' |
| venus in libra | 17° 34' |
| mars in scorpio | 24° 37' |
| jupiter in cancer | 24° 47' |
| saturn in pisces | 25° 59' |
| uranus in gemini | 0° 25' |
| neptune in pisces | 29° 52' |
| pluto in aquarius | 1° 24' |
