Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on November 1st, 2025. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
The Moon’s wallowing in Pisces and you, Aries, are allergic to introspection. Go ahead, fist-fight your feelings. Spoiler: You’ll lose. #Aries 🤦♂️ #astrology #horoscope
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Venus is chilling in Libra, making you crave harmony, and carbs. Newsflash: No amount of pastries will make your life less mediocre. #Taurus 🥐 #astrology #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Mercury in Sagittarius says ‘think big’. You’ll probably just babble louder nonsense than usual. Volume up, substance zero. #Gemini 😂 #astrology #horoscope
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Jupiter’s in your sign, Cancer. Don’t get inspired, you’ll just cry harder about something pointless. Soggy, sentimental, stunningly annoying. #Cancer 🙄 #astrology #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
Mars in Scorpio is all steam, no spotlight. You’ll try for dramatic entrances, you’ll exit unnoticed. Clap for yourself, Leo, no one else will. #Leo 🦁 #astrology #horoscope
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Pisces Moon is mud-wrestling your logic, Virgo. Try cleaning the mess in your head, trust me, your lists will not save you. #Virgo 🧹 #astrology #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Venus in Libra, you’re peaking. Finally, a day when being shallow is astrally sanctioned. Stare at your reflection, it’s the only thing that tolerates you. #Libra 💄 #astrology #horoscope
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
Sun and Mars in Scorpio, a cosmic double shot of angst. Don’t worry, your brooding’s still as boring as ever. Let’s all pretend to be scared. #Scorpio 🦂 #astrology #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Mercury just crash-landed into Sagittarius. Time for another round of thoughtless ‘wisdom.’ Speak first, regret later, or never, idiot. #Sagittarius 🏹 #astrology #horoscope
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
With Saturn brooding in Pisces, your ambition is mud-stuck. Plot all you want, mountain goat, you’re climbing a marsh. #Capricorn 🏔️ #astrology #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Pluto shifted to your sign, Aquarius. Congratulations, now you’re both weird and sinister. Expect people to avoid you...more than usual. #Aquarius 💀 #astrology #horoscope
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Moon, Saturn, Neptune: your Pisces skies are polluted with feelings. Dream on, but even your imaginary friends are bored with the whining. #Pisces 🌊 #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in scorpio | 8° 49' |
| moon in pisces | 6° 52' |
| mercury in sagittarius | 2° 25' |
| venus in libra | 22° 33' |
| mars in scorpio | 27° 28' |
| jupiter in cancer | 24° 57' |
| saturn in pisces | 25° 47' |
| uranus in gemini | 0° 16' |
| neptune in pisces | 29° 47' |
| pluto in aquarius | 1° 26' |
