Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on November 11th, 2025. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
Moon roars in Leo, but you’re still a sheep in wolf’s skin. Go ahead, charge, into another embarrassing failure. Sprinkle some #Aries on your delusions. 🦁 #astrology #horoscope
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Uranus near you, Taurus, makes you almost interesting. Don’t worry, you’ll cling to comfort as usual and bore the stars to tears. #Taurus 🥱 #astrology #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Mercury's full of fire but you’re still flapping nonsense, Gemini. Try saying less and thinking more, for once. #Gemini #astrology #horoscope
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Jupiter bloats you, Cancer, but you’re still stuck whining in your shell. Go cry about it, again. #Cancer 🦀 #astrology #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
Moody moon shines on Leo so you stomp around begging for applause. Save it, even your reflection has left the chat. #Leo 🦁 #astrology #horoscope
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Scorpio Sun and Venus hit, but you’re too busy nitpicking mildew to have fun. Loosen up, Virgo, it won’t kill you (probably). #Virgo #astrology #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Libra, Venus is toxic today, and so is your people-pleasing. Stand for something, for once, try a backbone, not another selfie. #Libra 📸 #astrology #horoscope
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
Sun’s in Scorpio: power surge! Shame your charisma could curdle milk. Try to terrify someone who cares. #Scorpio 🦂 #astrology #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Mercury and Mars fuel your hot air, Sagittarius. Good news: you’ll say something stupid at record speed today. #Sagittarius 🏹 #astrology #horoscope
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Saturn wants discipline, Capricorn, but you’ll just grind joylessly, again. Pity your ambition’s as exciting as wet cement. #Capricorn #astrology #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Pluto pokes Aquarius, so expect existential dread and another failed revolution. Don’t worry, nobody’s listening anyway. #Aquarius 🌀 #astrology #horoscope
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Saturn and Neptune drown you, Pisces. Dream bigger, or at least try waking up for once. Reality’s not contagious. #Pisces 💧 #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in scorpio | 18° 50' |
| moon in leo | 3° 40' |
| mercury in sagittarius | 6° 45' |
| venus in scorpio | 5° 4' |
| mars in sagittarius | 4° 38' |
| jupiter in cancer | 25° 9' |
| saturn in pisces | 25° 25' |
| uranus in taurus | 29° 52' |
| neptune in pisces | 29° 36' |
| pluto in aquarius | 1° 33' |
