Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on November 12th, 2025. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
Congrats, Aries: Moon’s pride and Mars’s bravado combine, making you 10% lion, 90% reckless headbutt. You’ll charge in, wreck things, and call it leadership. #Aries 🦏 #astrology #horoscope
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Taurus, Uranus wants change, but you’re still glued to that crusty couch. Stubborn? Try fossilized. The future’s coming, you’ll oversleep through it. #Taurus 🛋️ #astrology #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Gemini, Mercury’s blazing, so your mouth runs marathons, shame your brain’s still fumbling shoelaces. Another day, another half-baked opinion. #Gemini 🤡 #astrology #horoscope
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Cancer, Moon’s ego trip has you crying, whining, and expecting a parade. Sorry, all you get is eye rolls. Nobody’s clapping for that melodrama. #Cancer 🎭 #astrology #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
Leo, the Moon’s in your petty palace, but Venus snubs your drama. Roar all you want, no one’s buying tickets to your flop of a show. #Leo 🦁 #astrology #horoscope
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Virgo, your nitpicking is legendary, yet Mercury and Mars hand you chaos and still you think a checklist fixes everything. Spoiler: It doesn’t. #Virgo 📋 #astrology #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Libra, Venus is sulking in Scorpio, so your usual charm is as effective as a wet napkin. Brace for failed flirts and zero applause. #Libra 💔 #astrology #horoscope
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
Scorpio, Sun and Venus got you thirstier than a cactus, plotting melodrama and doomed crushes. You’re not mysterious, just exhausting. #Scorpio 🦂 #astrology #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Sagittarius, Mercury and Mars light up your mouth, ensuring you offend someone before noon. Go ahead, dig that grave with your own tongue. #Sagittarius 🎯 #astrology #horoscope
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Capricorn, Saturn’s drowning in Pisces, so is your dignity. Keep slaving away for a gold star nobody's handing out. Enjoy mediocrity! #Capricorn 🏢 #astrology #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Aquarius, Pluto’s new in town and already sick of your quirk parade. You’re not the revolution, you’re the punchline. #Aquarius 🪐 #astrology #horoscope
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Pisces, Neptune and Saturn are giving you existential vertigo. Drown in daydreams and guilt while reality drives off laughing. #Pisces 💀 #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in scorpio | 19° 51' |
| moon in leo | 17° 5' |
| mercury in sagittarius | 6° 29' |
| venus in scorpio | 6° 20' |
| mars in sagittarius | 5° 22' |
| jupiter in cancer | 25° 9' |
| saturn in pisces | 25° 23' |
| uranus in taurus | 29° 50' |
| neptune in pisces | 29° 35' |
| pluto in aquarius | 1° 33' |
