Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on November 13th, 2025. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
Mars & Mercury huddle in Sagittarius, but you’ll still run mouth-first into disaster, Aries. Your ‘bravery’ is really just poor impulse control. Trip, stumble, repeat. #Aries 🤦♂️ #astrology #horoscope
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Moon crawls into Virgo, but you’re too lazy to notice, Taurus. Venus is busy in Scorpio. Face it: you’ll cling to bad habits like a tick on a bloated cow. #Taurus 🐂 #astrology #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Mercury’s prancing in Sagittarius, dragging your brain to some new nonsense, Gemini. Your words will travel faster than your thoughts, and both are empty. #Gemini 🙄 #astrology #horoscope
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Moon’s in Virgo, but you’re still drowning in feelings, Cancer. Jupiter tries to ‘help,’ but all you’ll do is overshare with strangers. Hide the tissues, clown. #Cancer 🦀 #astrology #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
Venus in Scorpio means you’re dramatic as ever, Leo. Still convinced you’re king: spoiler, everyone’s sick of your spotlight tantrums. Crawl off stage. #Leo 🎭 #astrology #horoscope
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Moon’s in your sign, Virgo, but all you get is heightened neurosis. Nitpick yourself into an ulcer, nobody cares about your color-coded apocalypse. #Virgo 📉 #astrology #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Venus is in Scorpio, so your charm’s twisted. Expect romantic disasters, Libra, as you try seducing with that Diet Sociopath routine. It’s not working. #Libra 🥀 #astrology #horoscope
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
Sun & Venus in Scorpio: listen up, gremlin. You’re the toxic gift that keeps on giving. Don’t act shocked when everyone needs a detox. #Scorpio ☠️ #astrology #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Mercury & Mars in your sign. Congratulations, Sagittarius, you’re an unfiltered megaphone strapped to a rocket. Prepare to annoy all lifeforms. #Sagittarius 🚀 #astrology #horoscope
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Moon’s in Virgo, but nothing will help your workaholic delusions, Capricorn. Saturn’s useless, you’ll still fail at fun and empathy. #Capricorn 🗿 #astrology #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Pluto tiptoes into your sign, Aquarius. Enjoy your existential crisis, like you needed more excuses to act tortured and misunderstood. #Aquarius 🤡 #astrology #horoscope
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Saturn and Neptune mutter in your depths, Pisces. Sorry, reality still hates you. Your escape plan? Whining with a side of melodrama. #Pisces 💧 #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in scorpio | 20° 51' |
| moon in virgo | 0° 4' |
| mercury in sagittarius | 6° 3' |
| venus in scorpio | 7° 35' |
| mars in sagittarius | 6° 5' |
| jupiter in cancer | 25° 8' |
| saturn in pisces | 25° 21' |
| uranus in taurus | 29° 48' |
| neptune in pisces | 29° 34' |
| pluto in aquarius | 1° 34' |
