Moody Astrologer

Moon’s nitpicking and Mars in clown mode, your temper tantrums are even less effective than usual today. Bellow, stomp, accomplish nothing. You’re the toddler of the zodiac. #Aries 🔥 #astrology #horoscope

Uranus is practically sitting on your neck, Taurus. Enjoy the panic as your ‘stable’ routine is sucker-punched by reality. Keep clinging to your snack stash, that’s all you’ve got. #Taurus 🐄 #astrology #horoscope

Mercury is out there cosplaying as a Sagittarius. All your multitasking turns to scatterbrained rambling. You’re only convincing yourself, and badly. Go bore a wall. #Gemini 🗣️ #astrology #horoscope

Moon’s in Virgo and Jupiter’s bloated in your sign, Cancer. You’ll overanalyze your feelings and then fake some joy no one believes. Go weep into that casserole, it’ll taste better salted. #Cancer 🦀 #astrology #horoscope

Your spotlight got snuffed, Leo. Venus and Sun in Scorpio have you moping in shadows, dying for attention you’ll never get. Go ahead, perform for the void. #Leo 🦁 #astrology #horoscope

Moon’s stuck in your own sign, you’re the walking, breathing embodiment of a never-ending spreadsheet. Judge all you want, no one asked. #Virgo 📊 #astrology #horoscope

Venus is Scorpio’s prisoner. Your charm reeks of desperation and you still can’t make a decision without a UN summit. Pathetic attempts at balance, as always. #Libra ⚖️ #astrology #horoscope

Sun and Venus are in your lair but you’re still not interesting. Moody, brooding, and cliché as hell. Yes, someone noticed your pout, no, they don’t care. #Scorpio 🦂 #astrology #horoscope

Your mouth writes checks Mars and Mercury can’t cash. Sag, congrats, your big ideas today are even emptier than your promises. Pipe down and trip over yourself. #Sagittarius 🏹 #astrology #horoscope

Jupiter’s needy and Saturn’s drunk in dreams, Cap, you’re hustling hard for absolutely no reward. Hope you enjoy disappointment with that black coffee. #Capricorn 🐐 #astrology #horoscope

Pluto twitches in your sign, get ready to ruin everyone’s good time with your genius… again. Watch as people flee your ‘enlightenment’ like it’s contagious. #Aquarius 💀 #astrology #horoscope

Neptune and Saturn, your classic delusion dream team, are turning your thoughts to mush. Drift along. The rest of us need a break from your sad fish routine. #Pisces 🐟 #astrology #horoscope