Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on November 15th, 2025. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
Moon's in Virgo, so you're extra irritable, hard to tell the difference. Mercury in Sagittarius helps you run your mouth and achieve Olympic levels of stupidity. Try thinking. On second thought, don't. #Aries 🥊 #astrology #horoscope
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Venus is brooding in Scorpio, which means your love life is spicier than boiled cabbage. Don’t worry, Taurus, you’ll still eat your feelings. Calories heal, right? #Taurus 🐮 #astrology #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Mercury is Sagittarius: Your lies are taller, your attention span shorter. Today, try saying nothing. For once, people might actually like you. #Gemini 🙄 #astrology #horoscope
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Moon in Virgo grinds your nerves into emotional dust, Cancer. Why not cry about it? Oh, wait, you already did, twice before noon. #Cancer 🌧️ #astrology #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
Sun and Venus in Scorpio: everyone’s ignoring you. Tragic. Try roaring all you want. Still no applause, just awkward silence. #Leo 🎭 #astrology #horoscope
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Moon in your sign, Virgo, so your nitpicking hits sub-atomic levels. You’ll alienate everyone and still find a typo in your own rant. Bravo. #Virgo 🧹 #astrology #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Venus in Scorpio and Mars in Sag, your flirting is more tragicomic than ever. Expect rejection, get used to it. Swipe left on yourself today. #Libra 💔 #astrology #horoscope
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
Stellium in your neighborhood, but nobody wants to visit, even the stars make your parties depressing. Enjoy your brooding, freak. #Scorpio 🦂 #astrology #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Mercury and Mars in your sign. Congrats, you can shout nonsense twice as fast. They say knowledge is power, but not in your case. #Sagittarius 🤡 #astrology #horoscope
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Moon in Virgo, Jupiter in Cancer: Overworking, over-worrying, then blaming everyone else when your kingdom crumbles. Build a new one, at least out of Lego. #Capricorn 🏗️ #astrology #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Pluto creeps into your sign, bringing that inevitable existential dread you mistake for enlightenment. Please, spare us your TED Talk. #Aquarius ⚡ #astrology #horoscope
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Saturn and Neptune tag-teaming in your sign. Dreamy delusions meet harsh reality. Spoiler: Reality wins, as always. #Pisces 🦑 #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in scorpio | 22° 52' |
| moon in virgo | 25° 3' |
| mercury in sagittarius | 4° 41' |
| venus in scorpio | 10° 5' |
| mars in sagittarius | 7° 32' |
| jupiter in cancer | 25° 8' |
| saturn in pisces | 25° 18' |
| uranus in taurus | 29° 43' |
| neptune in pisces | 29° 33' |
| pluto in aquarius | 1° 36' |
