Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on November 16th, 2025. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
Go on, start another doomed fight, Moon in Libra ensures you’ll lose the argument and your dignity. Even Mars pities you. #aries 🥊 #astrology #horoscope
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Venus is stewing in Scorpio, so your usual laziness is now just emotional constipation. Binge eat your regrets, cow. #taurus 🐮 #astrology #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Mercury’s off in Sagittarius, chasing shiny things. So are you, but with zero aim. Verbal diarrhea, starring you again! #gemini 😂 #astrology #horoscope
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Jupiter tried to save you in Cancer, but nothing fixes that endless self-pity. Cry louder, maybe we'll care. #cancer 🦀 #astrology #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
Sun in Scorpio burns up your fragile pride. Sorry, nobody’s clapping for you this week, not even ironically. #leo 🦁 #astrology #horoscope
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Moon in Libra can’t balance your mess. Try organizing your failures alphabetically for a change. #virgo 📉 #astrology #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Moon in your sign, but no one’s impressed with your fake harmony. Indecision is still cowardice, darling. #libra ⚖️ #astrology #horoscope
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
Sun and Venus tag-team your ego, but you’re still just a drama queen shivering in all black, brooding over nothing. #scorpio 🦂 #astrology #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Mercury and Mars in Sagittarius, talk louder and run faster, but none of it makes you less clueless. #sagittarius 🏹 #astrology #horoscope
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Saturn’s dragging his heavy feet in Pisces, and so are you. Grind harder, goat, nobody else believes in you. #capricorn 🦓 #astrology #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Pluto starts you off with delusions of rebellion. Newsflash: your quirky is boring. Join a cult for once. #aquarius 🧊 #astrology #horoscope
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Saturn and Neptune sag in Pisces, making you even soggier than usual. Try drowning your sorrows, maybe you’ll float. #pisces 🐟 #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in scorpio | 23° 52' |
| moon in libra | 7° 12' |
| mercury in sagittarius | 3° 45' |
| venus in scorpio | 11° 21' |
| mars in sagittarius | 8° 16' |
| jupiter in cancer | 25° 7' |
| saturn in pisces | 25° 17' |
| uranus in taurus | 29° 40' |
| neptune in pisces | 29° 32' |
| pluto in aquarius | 1° 37' |
