Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on November 17th, 2025. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
Congrats, #aries: Mercury fries your last brain cell, Mars makes you loud and wrong. Take another wild swing at life, nobody notices your aim sucks anyway. 🪓 #astrology #horoscope
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Still stubborn, Taurus? Venus left you on read and Uranus is flipping your table. Celebrate by clinging to comfort while the world bulldozes your rut. #taurus #astrology #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Chattering Gemini, Mercury in Sag means even your lies are confused. Your multitasking is a myth, but hey, keep the circus act up. #gemini 🤡 #astrology #horoscope
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Moon’s in Libra and you’re not even home to wallow. Cry on someone else’s shoulder for a change, Cancer, yours are out of tissues. #cancer #astrology #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
Leo, Venus made you dull and the Sun’s ignoring you. Stop seeking attention, the only spotlight left is the refrigerator bulb. #leo 🦁 #astrology #horoscope
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Perfectionist Virgo, Mercury’s derailed you: more mistakes, less order, zero sympathy. Go alphabetize your regrets. #virgo #astrology #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Libra, Moon says pretend-balance is chic, but you can’t choose between disaster and trainwreck. Just fall over already. #libra ⚖️ #astrology #horoscope
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
Wow, Scorpio: Sun and Venus double down on your drama. Imagine being any more intense, no, don’t, you’d combust. #scorpio #astrology #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Sagittarius, Mars gives you energy, Mercury gives you mouth diarrhea. Go ahead, charge in, everyone’s stunned by your audacity, not your wit. #sagittarius 🔥 #astrology #horoscope
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Saturn weighs you down, Capricorn, but Pluto wants revolution. Too bad you’re still measuring your coffin. #capricorn #astrology #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Aquarius, your only innovation? Pretending to care. Pluto shouts ‘reinvent yourself!’ but you’d rather tweet conspiracy memes. #aquarius 🌀 #astrology #horoscope
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Pisces, Neptune and Saturn tag-team your delusions. Float away, space cadet, earth called, they’re fine without you. #pisces 🐟 #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in scorpio | 24° 53' |
| moon in libra | 19° 12' |
| mercury in sagittarius | 2° 40' |
| venus in scorpio | 12° 36' |
| mars in sagittarius | 9° 0' |
| jupiter in cancer | 25° 6' |
| saturn in pisces | 25° 16' |
| uranus in taurus | 29° 38' |
| neptune in pisces | 29° 31' |
| pluto in aquarius | 1° 38' |
