Moody Astrologer

Congrats, #aries: Mercury fries your last brain cell, Mars makes you loud and wrong. Take another wild swing at life, nobody notices your aim sucks anyway. 🪓 #astrology #horoscope

Still stubborn, Taurus? Venus left you on read and Uranus is flipping your table. Celebrate by clinging to comfort while the world bulldozes your rut. #taurus #astrology #horoscope

Chattering Gemini, Mercury in Sag means even your lies are confused. Your multitasking is a myth, but hey, keep the circus act up. #gemini 🤡 #astrology #horoscope

Moon’s in Libra and you’re not even home to wallow. Cry on someone else’s shoulder for a change, Cancer, yours are out of tissues. #cancer #astrology #horoscope

Leo, Venus made you dull and the Sun’s ignoring you. Stop seeking attention, the only spotlight left is the refrigerator bulb. #leo 🦁 #astrology #horoscope

Perfectionist Virgo, Mercury’s derailed you: more mistakes, less order, zero sympathy. Go alphabetize your regrets. #virgo #astrology #horoscope

Libra, Moon says pretend-balance is chic, but you can’t choose between disaster and trainwreck. Just fall over already. #libra ⚖️ #astrology #horoscope

Wow, Scorpio: Sun and Venus double down on your drama. Imagine being any more intense, no, don’t, you’d combust. #scorpio #astrology #horoscope

Sagittarius, Mars gives you energy, Mercury gives you mouth diarrhea. Go ahead, charge in, everyone’s stunned by your audacity, not your wit. #sagittarius 🔥 #astrology #horoscope

Saturn weighs you down, Capricorn, but Pluto wants revolution. Too bad you’re still measuring your coffin. #capricorn #astrology #horoscope

Aquarius, your only innovation? Pretending to care. Pluto shouts ‘reinvent yourself!’ but you’d rather tweet conspiracy memes. #aquarius 🌀 #astrology #horoscope

Pisces, Neptune and Saturn tag-team your delusions. Float away, space cadet, earth called, they’re fine without you. #pisces 🐟 #astrology #horoscope