Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on November 21st, 2025. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
Congrats, #Aries: Mars says act first, think never. Watch your impulsiveness snowball into disaster, again. Your only victory? Shocking everyone with just how bad decisions can get. 🧨 #astrology #horoscope
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Taurus, Uranus zaps your comfort zone, so expect chaos in your precious couch fort. Try not to cry when your snacks, or dignity, run out. #Taurus 🍩 #astrology #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Mercury’s drowning in Scorpio, Gemini. Prepare for your words to cut like a rusty blade, mostly yourself. Enjoy putting your foot in your mouth, if you can pry it out of your other mouth. #Gemini #astrology #horoscope
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Jupiter lurks in crab country, Cancer. Soak up all that luck, you’ll need it to survive your own melodrama. Fortune favors the whiny, apparently. #Cancer 🦀 #astrology #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
Venus is sulking in Scorpio, so your charm’s DOA, Leo. Prepare for compliments to die on your tongue and applause to sound like a single, sarcastic clap. #Leo 🦁 #astrology #horoscope
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Mercury’s too busy wallowing to help, Virgo, so your precious plans will unravel. Watch in horror as chaos tramples your spreadsheets, again. #Virgo 📉 #astrology #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Venus is in Scorpio, Libra, meaning your grace is officially a murder weapon. If looks could kill, you’d still just be passive-aggressive and lost. #Libra #astrology #horoscope
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
Scorpio, every planet’s crowding your sign, too bad none bring joy. Peak paranoia and drama: your specialty. Smile for the abyss. #Scorpio 🦂 #astrology #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Moon and Mars in Sagittarius: time to gallop heroically into mouthy failure, Sagittarius. Hope you pack spare delusions for the crash. #Sagittarius 🏹 #astrology #horoscope
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Saturn whispers rock bottom, Capricorn. Good luck climbing that mountain of regret, you built it yourself, brick by boring brick. #Capricorn #astrology #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Pluto’s creeping in, Aquarius, but you’re too busy pretending to be special. Spoiler: nobody notices you’re brooding. #Aquarius 🌀 #astrology #horoscope
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Neptune and Saturn double-team you, Pisces. Drown in dreams, then choke on reality. Go ahead and wish, the universe says, ‘try harder.’ #Pisces 🐟 #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in scorpio | 28° 55' |
| moon in sagittarius | 6° 42' |
| mercury in scorpio | 27° 29' |
| venus in scorpio | 17° 37' |
| mars in sagittarius | 11° 55' |
| jupiter in cancer | 25° 0' |
| saturn in pisces | 25° 12' |
| uranus in taurus | 29° 28' |
| neptune in pisces | 29° 28' |
| pluto in aquarius | 1° 42' |
