Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on November 22nd, 2025. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
Your bravado's on life support, Aries. Mars is out making Sagittarius look wild while you’re left fumbling the basics. Try not to pull a hamstring tripping over your own ego. #Aries 🐏 #astrology #horoscope
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Taurus, Uranus just fried your sense of stability. Keep clinging to routine, everyone enjoys watching cows stampede in place. Maybe invest in a new blanket to cry into. #Taurus #astrology #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Mercury’s deep in Scorpio and even it wants nothing to do with your babble, Gemini. Try shutting up for once, see if silence makes you interesting. #Gemini 🫨 #astrology #horoscope
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Jupiter in your sign is the bloated ego boost you never needed, Cancer. Everyone’s already sick of your emotional tidal waves. Crawl into your shell and stay there. #Cancer 🦀 #astrology #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
Sun’s ditching Scorpio and you, Leo, are still practicing your acceptance speech in an empty room. Even your shadow looks bored. Save us from your drama. #Leo 😴 #astrology #horoscope
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Venus in Scorpio means you’re nitpicking your own doom, Virgo. Polish those anxieties, pretty soon you can alphabetize your regrets. Congrats! #Virgo 🍃 #astrology #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
With Venus hiding in Scorpio, your charm is DOA, Libra. Keep smiling, maybe someone will finally tell you you’re not that special. #Libra #astrology #horoscope
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
Scorpio, you’re mainlining power with Sun, Mercury, Venus, too bad you use it for brooding memes and stalking exes. Channel your toxicity elsewhere. #Scorpio 🦂 #astrology #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Moon + Mars in your sign and you still can’t aim, Sagittarius. Yell your opinions louder, we need a reason to leave the room. #Sagittarius 🏹 #astrology #horoscope
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Saturn’s babysitting Pisces, so you’re unsupervised, Capricorn. Build another pointless empire, one day someone will care. But not today. #Capricorn 🐐 #astrology #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Pluto’s in your sign so the universe hits you with change, and you react with an online petition. Real rebels don’t need WiFi, Aquarius. #Aquarius #astrology #horoscope
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Saturn, Neptune, chaos, your brain fog, Pisces, is now legendary. Can you get lost at sea if you’ve never left your bed? Yes. Yes, you can. #Pisces 🌊 #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in scorpio | 29° 55' |
| moon in sagittarius | 18° 36' |
| mercury in scorpio | 26° 9' |
| venus in scorpio | 18° 53' |
| mars in sagittarius | 12° 39' |
| jupiter in cancer | 24° 58' |
| saturn in pisces | 25° 11' |
| uranus in taurus | 29° 25' |
| neptune in pisces | 29° 28' |
| pluto in aquarius | 1° 43' |
