Moody Astrologer

Congrats, Aries. Your temper is matched only by your incompetence today. Mars is limping through Capricorn, go ahead, start something, you'll trip over your own ego before you finish. #Aries 🔥 #astrology #horoscope

Taurus, Venus in Capricorn says your stubbornness today is less ‘steadfast’ and more ‘sedated cow at auction.’ Don’t worry, comfort food won't fix your existential lack. #Taurus 🍩 #astrology #horoscope

Gemini, with Mercury sulking in Capricorn, every word you speak today is a fresh stab at your own reputation. Silence never looked so brilliant, too bad you won't try it. #Gemini #astrology #horoscope

Cancer, Jupiter's in your sign but nobody's throwing you a pity party. Stay in your shell, it's cozier than facing another day with those soggy emotions. #Cancer 🦀 #astrology #horoscope

Leo, Capricorn's chokehold on the sky makes your flair useless. Your spotlight is a dim bulb, try not to burn yourself seeking the applause that never comes. #Leo #astrology #horoscope

Virgo, Mars and Venus in Capricorn have you clinging to your to-do list like a lifeboat. Newsflash: You're still sinking. Perfection is a myth, just like your charm. #Virgo 📉 #astrology #horoscope

Libra, Venus is too busy with Capricorn to care about your romantic dramas. Nobody’s waiting for your apology, so save the effort for your mirror. #Libra 💅 #astrology #horoscope

Scorpio, the Moon mocks your lurking, nothing but shadowy moping today. Enjoy stewing over slights, since actual vengeance requires more backbone than you have. #Scorpio 🦂 #astrology #horoscope

Sagittarius, Moon in your sign gives you extra hot air, but no one’s buying tickets to your TED Talk. Why not aim your arrows at reality for once? #Sagittarius 🎯 #astrology #horoscope

Capricorn, you’re finally the center of the universe. Shame your reign is as inspiring as a tax audit. Rule on, cardboard king. #Capricorn 👑 #astrology #horoscope

Aquarius, Pluto tiptoes in and already you’re whining about ‘transformation.’ Go start a revolution, in your imagination, like usual. Reality is far too sharp for you. #Aquarius #astrology #horoscope

Pisces, Saturn and Neptune drowning in your sign trigger your usual escape act. Unfortunately, there's no fantasy banal enough for you to seem interesting. #Pisces 🐟 #astrology #horoscope