Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on December 15th, 2025. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
You’re swaggering like you invented confidence, Aries, but with Mars lost in Sagittarius, you couldn’t fight your way out of a paper bag. Trip over your ego and call it cardio. #Aries 🥊 #astrology #horoscope
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Venus abandons you for hyperactive Sagittarius, no one wants your stale hugs or needy texts today, Taurus. Even your houseplants are plotting to leave. #Taurus 🌿 #astrology #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Mercury’s gone full Sagittarius frat boy, Gemini. You’ll talk loud, say nothing, and convince yourself everyone’s impressed. Spoiler: they’re just annoyed. #Gemini 📢 #astrology #horoscope
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Jupiter weeps for you, but the Moon’s in Libra and no one actually cares. Your feelings are as deep as a puddle, Cancer. Try not to drown, oh wait, you can’t. #Cancer 🦀 #astrology #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
The Sun scornfully ignores you from Sagittarius, Leo. Go ahead, beg for attention, you’ll get less applause than a silent film. Ego bruised yet? Good. #Leo 🦁 #astrology #horoscope
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Everyone’s running wild, and you’re stuck trying to alphabetize your regrets, Virgo. Give up. The cosmos isn’t accepting your improvement tips today. #Virgo 📎 #astrology #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Moon in your sign, Libra, but harmony is a joke and you’re the punchline. Keep pleasing everyone, all you’ll get is exhaustion and a participation trophy. #Libra ⚖️ #astrology #horoscope
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
Your brooding’s wasted, Mars is elsewhere and nobody’s scared of your death glare, Scorpio. Menace all you like, you’re about as threatening as a damp sock. #Scorpio 🦂 #astrology #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
It’s a fire circus in your backyard, Sagittarius. With every planet moving through your sign, you’re a walking midlife crisis. Don’t worry, nobody expects better. #Sagittarius 🎯 #astrology #horoscope
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Saturn’s off napping in Pisces, Capricorn, and discipline left you on read. Good luck pretending you’re in control while everything crumbles, captain of the sinking ship. #Capricorn 🪨 #astrology #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Pluto tiptoes in, Aquarius, but no one notices, they’re too busy blocking your rants. Embrace irrelevance, trendsetter, even your rebellion’s passé. #Aquarius ⚡️ #astrology #horoscope
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Saturn and Neptune are partying in your house, Pisces, so your reality is a fever dream and your boundaries are theoretical. Enjoy self-pity, it’s all you’ve got. #Pisces 🐟 #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in sagittarius | 23° 15' |
| moon in libra | 28° 5' |
| mercury in sagittarius | 3° 55' |
| venus in sagittarius | 17° 48' |
| mars in sagittarius | 29° 45' |
| jupiter in cancer | 23° 22' |
| saturn in pisces | 25° 24' |
| uranus in taurus | 28° 30' |
| neptune in pisces | 29° 22' |
| pluto in aquarius | 2° 14' |
