Moody Astrologer

Your ambition’s flatlining, Aries. Mars left you with all the subtlety of a sledgehammer to the face. Maybe try failing at something new today? #aries 💣 #astrology #horoscope

Uranus says experiment, but with your stubborn Taurus brain, you’ll just innovate new ways to be boring. Change? Only in sock color. #taurus 🐂 #astrology #horoscope

Mercury’s fried and so are your two neurons, Gemini. Your small talk today’s so dull even Siri’s stopped listening. Flex that flapping, #gemini. #astrology #horoscope

Jupiter’s plumping up your moods, Cancer, tears on aisle you, as usual. Go ahead, drown in drama. Maybe you’ll become interesting. #cancer 🦀 #astrology #horoscope

Venus conjunct your ego, Leo? Your charm’s so fake it comes with a warranty. Flash that smile, somebody might buy it. Cheap. #leo 🐾 #astrology #horoscope

Mars is mocking your routines, Virgo. Obsess all you want, perfection fled days ago. Try letting go, oh right, you can’t. #virgo #astrology #horoscope

Venus ditched you, Libra, so your love life’s styling itself after a medieval plague zone. Enjoy your loneliness, finally some peace. #libra #astrology #horoscope

Moon’s in your sign, Scorpio. Your angst’s contagious, like a bad cold in a coffin. Brood harder. It won’t change anything. #scorpio ☠️ #astrology #horoscope

Sun, Venus, Mercury, wow, overcrowding much, Sagittarius? Can’t wait to see what stupid risk you flop at next! #sagittarius 🏹 #astrology #horoscope

Mars just clocked in, Capricorn, and you’re ready to bulldoze toddlers for a trophy. Relax, the world’s not your corporate ladder. #capricorn #astrology #horoscope

Pluto’s poking you, Aquarius. Your big idea’s still a fantasy, only now with more existential crisis. Tweet your pain, maybe it’ll trend. #aquarius ⚡️ #astrology #horoscope

Saturn and Neptune, dreams meet doom, Pisces. Fantasize all you want, reality’s coming for your ankles. Run, fish, run. #pisces 🐟 #astrology #horoscope