Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on December 17th, 2025. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
Mars crawls into Capricorn and you’re suddenly ‘ambitious.’ Please, try not to break a sweat micro-managing your pointless existence. #Aries 🐏 #astrology #horoscope
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
With Uranus napping in Taurus, your routine's as stale as your personality. Keep clinging to mediocrity, it’s the only thing that won’t abandon you. #Taurus #astrology #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Mercury’s drunk in Sagittarius and your mouth finally defeats your brain. Another day, another avalanche of shallow opinions. #Gemini 🤡 #astrology #horoscope
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Jupiter’s wallowing in your swampy sign, expect more tears, snacks, and melodrama nobody asked for. Nobody cares, #Cancer. 🦀 #astrology #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
The Sun’s not even looking your way, Leo, so keep screaming for attention in the void. No one’s applauding your one-cat circus. #Leo 🦁 #astrology #horoscope
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Mercury’s galloping through Sagittarius and you’re losing control. How’s it feel to be the cosmic janitor for everyone’s mess? Spoiler: You’re failing. #Virgo #astrology #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Venus caught in Sagittarius, splendid. Your romance is a buffet of bad decisions and heartbreak. Balance that, #Libra. 🍷 #astrology #horoscope
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
Moon’s brooding in your dark pit, go on, plot, seethe, simmer. It won’t change the fact that everyone still thinks you’re a drama gremlin. #Scorpio 🦂 #astrology #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Sun, Mercury, Venus, all clogging up Sagittarius. That’s a lot of hot air for someone who already specializes in empty promises. Congrats, #Sagittarius. 🔥 #astrology #horoscope
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Mars crashes into Capricorn, finally, an excuse for your cold, relentless grind. Shame it’s all for nothing. Dream big, fail bigger. #Capricorn 💼 #astrology #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Pluto peeks into Aquarius: cue the revolution. Too bad nobody wants to join your revolution of one. Scream into the ether, #Aquarius. #astrology #horoscope
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Saturn and Neptune suffocating your whimsy, time to face reality. Spoiler: you can’t swim away from your problems. Or your mediocrity. #Pisces 🐟 #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in sagittarius | 25° 17' |
| moon in scorpio | 21° 46' |
| mercury in sagittarius | 6° 38' |
| venus in sagittarius | 20° 19' |
| mars in capricorn | 1° 16' |
| jupiter in cancer | 23° 9' |
| saturn in pisces | 25° 28' |
| uranus in taurus | 28° 25' |
| neptune in pisces | 29° 23' |
| pluto in aquarius | 2° 17' |
