Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on December 18th, 2025. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
Congratulations, #Aries: Mars says you’ll ruin your day by acting first and thinking never. If stupidity burned calories, you’d be ripped. 💥 #astrology #horoscope
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Hey #Taurus, Uranus is rattling your blissfully slow foundations, you’ll still refuse to change. Moo along, the world will leave you behind anyway. #astrology #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
With Mercury in fiery Sagittarius, your mouth runs faster than your brain, #Gemini. Enjoy choking on your own words. 📢 #astrology #horoscope
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Moon in Sagittarius makes you want adventure, #Cancer, but one step outside your shell and you’ll be sobbing for Mommy. 🦀 #astrology #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
Listen up, #Leo, everyone’s ignoring you. The sun’s busy elsewhere and so is everyone else. Your ego’s crying in the corner, join it. #astrology #horoscope
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Sag Moon and Mercury fry your logic circuits, #Virgo. You’ll nitpick until even spreadsheets despise you. No one cares about your list. #astrology #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Venus in Sagittarius means your love life is a circus act, #Libra. Spoiler: you’re the clown, and nobody’s laughing with you. 🎪 #astrology #horoscope
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
Mars in Capricorn saps your sting, #Scorpio. Plot all you like, you’re about as scary as a wet sock today. 🧦 #astrology #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Sun, moon, Mercury, Venus: all in your yard and still no one wants to visit you, #Sagittarius. At least you can throw a pity party. #astrology #horoscope
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Mars enters your house, #Capricorn, so you’re fueled by caffeine and rage. Don’t mistake being uptight for being important. #astrology #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Pluto’s creeping in, #Aquarius: time for another reinvention no one asked for! Try being tolerable for once instead. #astrology #horoscope
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Saturn and Neptune tag-team your delusions, #Pisces. You’ll cry about boundaries and then swim right through them anyway. 🐟 #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in sagittarius | 26° 18' |
| moon in sagittarius | 3° 38' |
| mercury in sagittarius | 8° 1' |
| venus in sagittarius | 21° 35' |
| mars in capricorn | 2° 1' |
| jupiter in cancer | 23° 3' |
| saturn in pisces | 25° 30' |
| uranus in taurus | 28° 23' |
| neptune in pisces | 29° 23' |
| pluto in aquarius | 2° 19' |
