Moody Astrologer

Congratulations, Aries: everyone else’s chaos is pure Sagittarius but you’re barely a footnote. Stand in the corner and watch the party, like the eternal benchwarmer you are. #Aries 🙄 #astrology #horoscope

Taurus, while the heavens rage, you’re busy counting crumbs. Uranus rolls its eyes at your ‘stability’, translation: professional bore. Nothing changes, nobody cares. #Taurus 🐂 #astrology #horoscope

Gemini, with Mercury obliterated by Sagittarius, your words are even emptier than usual. Try being silent for once. The world’s had enough of your nervous babble. #Gemini #astrology #horoscope

Moon's having an identity crisis in Sagittarius, so Cancer, your feelings will wander off without you. Crying in the dark again? Change the tune, it’s pathetic. #Cancer 🦀 #astrology #horoscope

Hey Leo, Venus is so over your ‘shine’. With everyone crowding in Sag, your spotlight’s stolen. Try humility, oh wait, you don’t know the word. #Leo 🦁 #astrology #horoscope

Virgo, Mercury is too busy philosophizing in Sag to help you obsess over details. Panic about control, but the universe still ignores you. Start dusting, it’s all you know. #Virgo #astrology #horoscope

Venus is busy chasing thrills in Sag, so Libra, this week your charm fizzles like cheap champagne. Go ahead, flirt. No one remembers your name. #Libra #astrology #horoscope

Mars is off playing Capricorn, Scorpio. Your vengeance is left on read. Sulk harder, edge-lord, because today’s drama queens aren’t you. #Scorpio 🦂 #astrology #horoscope

Half the solar system tramples through Sag and you STILL manage to make it about you. Attention hog, party clown, philosopher king, pick a side and stick to it. #Sagittarius 🎯 #astrology #horoscope

Mars stomps through, so Capricorn, you’ll try so hard to control the mess that you’ll trip over your own ambition. Climb that mountain, right into a brick wall. #Capricorn #astrology #horoscope

Pluto’s just started haunting your sign, Aquarius. Enjoy being a misfit among freaks, edgy, isolated, yet desperate for attention. Keep broadcasting static. #Aquarius #astrology #horoscope

Saturn and Neptune dancing in Pisces, you’re still lost at sea. Sprinkle some delusion on your problems, it won’t help, but at least you’re consistent. #Pisces 🐟 #astrology #horoscope