Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on December 20th, 2025. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
Congrats, #Aries, everyone else is on fire and you’re just the smoke alarm nobody asked for. Mars won’t save you, you’re still charging headfirst into walls. 🧱 #astrology #horoscope
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
#Taurus, clinging to your routine like it’s a lifeboat, but surprise, Uranus is busy yanking that out from under your feet. Get comfy in chaos, cow. 🚨 #astrology #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Hey #Gemini, with Mercury running wild, your mouth goes faster than your brain. You'll talk yourself into a corner and then argue with the wall. Maybe it’ll listen. #astrology #horoscope
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
#Cancer, emotions boiling over? Sorry, the Moon is ignoring you in Sagittarius. Go sulk in your cave, everyone else is too busy to care. 🦀 #astrology #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
It’s cute how you think it’s about you, #Leo. The only spotlight today is the one you pay for. The rest of us are shielding our eyes from your drama. 💡 #astrology #horoscope
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Precious #Virgo, while you’re spreadsheeting your breakfast, the universe is torching your plans. Your perfectionism is the punchline to the joke nobody’s telling. #astrology #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Classic #Libra, stuck in analysis paralysis. You’d ask the stars for advice, but you’d just need another opinion. Balance this: nobody cares. #astrology #horoscope
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
Plotting, #Scorpio? Mars left you high and dry. Your stinger’s dull, your secrets are boring, and nobody’s scared anymore. Have a seat, edge lord. 🕷️ #astrology #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Wow, #Sagittarius, four planets camping in your house and you’re still lost. Just shoot the arrow and hope it hits anything but your own foot (again). 🎯 #astrology #horoscope
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
#Capricorn, Mars is in your sign, so why do you still move like molasses? Out-hustled by a snail, out-schemed by a pigeon. Grind on, goat. #astrology #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
#Aquarius, with Pluto and Saturn lurking, you’re less visionary, more conspiracy theorist. Wrap yourself in tinfoil and call it a throne. 👽 #astrology #horoscope
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Hey #Pisces, Saturn and Neptune have you deep in a sea of delusion. Try swimming, genius, or just keep sinking and calling it ‘spiritual growth.’ 🦈 #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in sagittarius | 28° 20' |
| moon in sagittarius | 27° 33' |
| mercury in sagittarius | 10° 50' |
| venus in sagittarius | 24° 6' |
| mars in capricorn | 3° 32' |
| jupiter in cancer | 22° 49' |
| saturn in pisces | 25° 35' |
| uranus in taurus | 28° 19' |
| neptune in pisces | 29° 23' |
| pluto in aquarius | 2° 22' |
