Moody Astrologer

Congrats, Aries: today the Moon amplifies your me-first tantrums. Even Mercury pities your single-celled attention span. Try not to wage war on a mirror. #Aries ⚔️ #astrology #horoscope

Taurus, everyone’s in Pisces and you’re stuck grazing for comfort snacks. Venus ignores you, as do all worthwhile experiences. Moo elsewhere. #Taurus 🐄 #astrology #horoscope

Gemini, Mercury’s deep in Pisces so your words are more confused than usual. No, we still can’t tell which head is complaining. Yawn. #Gemini 🤡 #astrology #horoscope

Cancer, Jupiter’s sobbing in your sign but no one notices, your tears are background noise. Crawl back in your shell and whimper for applause. #Cancer 🦀 #astrology #horoscope

Leo, with all this Piscean sludge you’re the one at the party everyone ignores. Pour another martini and fake a laugh, goldfish. #Leo 🦁 #astrology #horoscope

Virgo, Mercury’s lost in Pisces and so is your rigid sense of control. Enjoy the chaos, spreadsheet goblin, it’s eating your soul. #Virgo 🔪 #astrology #horoscope

Libra, Venus betrays you for squishy Pisces. Your charm’s gone soggy, balance tilts, and nobody cares about your opinion anyway. #Libra ⚖️ #astrology #horoscope

Scorpio, Mars is busy electrocuting Aquarius and you’re left brooding in yesterday’s eyeliner. Not every vendetta is worth scrapbooking, creep. #Scorpio 🦂 #astrology #horoscope

Sagittarius, with Mercury fogged out, your ‘truth bombs’ are just farts in cosmic soup. Save the sermons, nobody’s awake. #Sagittarius 🏹 #astrology #horoscope

Capricorn, Pluto’s turning you into an aging crypt keeper while Mars parties next door. Your ambition looks as sad as your social life. #Capricorn 💀 #astrology #horoscope

Aquarius, Mars is frying your circuits. You’re all rebellion, no cause. Dance in the street, someone might throw a brick. #Aquarius 🧨 #astrology #horoscope

Pisces, Sun, Venus, and Mercury smother you in cosmic snot. Enjoy peak emotional sogginess, drama carp. Mourn yourself for likes. #Pisces 🐟 #astrology #horoscope