Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on February 21st, 2026. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
Congrats, Aries: today the Moon amplifies your me-first tantrums. Even Mercury pities your single-celled attention span. Try not to wage war on a mirror. #Aries ⚔️ #astrology #horoscope
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Taurus, everyone’s in Pisces and you’re stuck grazing for comfort snacks. Venus ignores you, as do all worthwhile experiences. Moo elsewhere. #Taurus 🐄 #astrology #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Gemini, Mercury’s deep in Pisces so your words are more confused than usual. No, we still can’t tell which head is complaining. Yawn. #Gemini 🤡 #astrology #horoscope
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Cancer, Jupiter’s sobbing in your sign but no one notices, your tears are background noise. Crawl back in your shell and whimper for applause. #Cancer 🦀 #astrology #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
Leo, with all this Piscean sludge you’re the one at the party everyone ignores. Pour another martini and fake a laugh, goldfish. #Leo 🦁 #astrology #horoscope
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Virgo, Mercury’s lost in Pisces and so is your rigid sense of control. Enjoy the chaos, spreadsheet goblin, it’s eating your soul. #Virgo 🔪 #astrology #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Libra, Venus betrays you for squishy Pisces. Your charm’s gone soggy, balance tilts, and nobody cares about your opinion anyway. #Libra ⚖️ #astrology #horoscope
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
Scorpio, Mars is busy electrocuting Aquarius and you’re left brooding in yesterday’s eyeliner. Not every vendetta is worth scrapbooking, creep. #Scorpio 🦂 #astrology #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Sagittarius, with Mercury fogged out, your ‘truth bombs’ are just farts in cosmic soup. Save the sermons, nobody’s awake. #Sagittarius 🏹 #astrology #horoscope
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Capricorn, Pluto’s turning you into an aging crypt keeper while Mars parties next door. Your ambition looks as sad as your social life. #Capricorn 💀 #astrology #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Aquarius, Mars is frying your circuits. You’re all rebellion, no cause. Dance in the street, someone might throw a brick. #Aquarius 🧨 #astrology #horoscope
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Pisces, Sun, Venus, and Mercury smother you in cosmic snot. Enjoy peak emotional sogginess, drama carp. Mourn yourself for likes. #Pisces 🐟 #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in pisces | 2° 21' |
| moon in aries | 16° 18' |
| mercury in pisces | 20° 19' |
| venus in pisces | 13° 13' |
| mars in aquarius | 22° 26' |
| jupiter in cancer | 15° 37' |
| saturn in aries | 0° 47' |
| uranus in taurus | 27° 35' |
| neptune in aries | 0° 45' |
| pluto in aquarius | 4° 18' |
